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For me as a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve consistently thought that good manners is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a fulfilling life, I’ve faced very low self-confidence. This mix of wanting to respect others and doubting myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Many times, it happens so reflexively that I’m not even aware of it. It stems from anxiety and has influenced both my personal and work life. It frustrates my close ones and co-workers, and then I get frustrated when they bring it up—which only increases my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Inquiring

This excessive apologizing is especially troubling when it comes to public speaking or making inquiries in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay concise and avoid anxious tangents, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an early-career academic in government studies, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through facing fears, such as teaching classes and pushing myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing embarrassments from senior male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I revert to old habits.

Personal Peace

I doubt I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still appreciate life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to reduce the overuse of apologies. I’ve heard that professional help might assist me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used wisely. Too little or too excessive, and you place a burden on others.

Understanding the Roots

A psychotherapist might explore where this habit comes from. Questions like, “How young were you when this started?” or “Was it self-inspired or inherited from someone close to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once benefited us become maladaptive in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as holding yourself back. You are aware it bothers those around you, yet you keep doing it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on being rather than doing. Much of good therapy is about self-awareness, not just addressing problems. A qualified professional will kindly probe you, offering a safe space to explore and embrace who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a relational approach with a supportive guide might be more beneficial. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you view, dismiss, and undermine yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your confidence can grow from there.

Practical Steps

Changing ingrained patterns is difficult, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by thinking on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid embarrassment or exposure, by recognizing perceived flaws before others do. This can create a loop of irritation and nervousness.

Even processing later can be beneficial. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel heard without you taking blame.

This process will take time, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward improvement.